God is Not a Life Jacket

Let’s just start with today. Today is the day I am to land (literally and figuratively) in my sophomore year at Belmont University. I started the day already in a flurry. 

I spent the summer working. A whole lot. I wasn’t dying or anything, but there were moments in my own dramatized world where I felt I might. Nonetheless, there was little time in my schedule these past weeks to get my brain in order and start packing for my journey back to Nashville. I thought I was pretty much packed when we left on Monday for our three-day family “vacation” to Chicago (I say “vacation” because who can really be properly vacation-ed in 72 hours or less). It was a wonderful mini-getaway and we arrived home at approximately 1:30am.

I woke up this morning realizing that in less than 6 hours, I needed to be in the car ready to drive to the airport. Our vacation to Chicago had excluded my little sister Carly due to all the variables and struggles of vacationing with her and we were all in need of some serious R&R. Therefore, I had spent 4 of my 5 final days at home away from my little sister.

If you know me, you know that Carly is my favorite person in the whole world. One of the only things that makes it so difficult to leave is knowing that I won’t see her for an extended period of time. This morning when she saw me roll my bags down the stairs, she watched me intently. She knew. When Carly knows someone is packing a bag, she immediately panics thinking she is about to get left. Now that I have left her a couple of times now for an extended period, I know the drill. If Carly knows I am leaving, she does everything in her power to make it not so. That translates into her completely ignoring me. She won’t look at me, she whines when I come in the room, if I go in for a hug, she pushes me away as if to say, “I don’t condone this behavior, Erin. Leaving me is unacceptable and until you realize that, I will not be encouraging this in any way.” This was especially hard to deal with today considering I hadn’t seen her for 4 days and was not mentally prepared to leave her yet.

I sat on my floor multiple times today staring at my boxes and trying to figure out how I could stop time for a couple hours and just slow all of this down. I was not ready to go. I am afraid. Freshman year was fun and new and easy (relatively speaking). Sophomore year has so many more unknowns. Sophomore year people are watching me. I have to be a real songwriter in songwriting classes. I have to be a leader… and LEAD. I have to pass my classes, I have to figure out my life. All I really want to do is sit on my floor with my blankie and rock back and forth until my panic attack subsides.

Finally the time comes for me to leave. I go to say goodbye to my little sister who won’t even look at me, hating myself for leaving her. Immediately the waterworks. Alex (my older sister) tries to explain the situation to Carly, as she so often does with such love, and Carly finally agrees to a hug. With tears streaming down my face and everything in me screaming, “TURN AROUND. GO BACK,” I get in the car.

About 10 minutes from the airport I get a text saying, “Flight service to Nashville has been delayed. New departure time will be 11:25pm” My second flight has been delayed over 2 hours. I immediately think, “is this a joke?!” but sure enough, my whole plan goes up in flames. Chaos ensues as my brain tries to figure this out. Who of my friends will be willing to pick me up at 12:30am. I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow and have 4 full days ahead of me before classes start on Wednesday. My dad looks in the rearview mirror and says, “It’s all okay, Erin.” Again, the waterworks. Then the breathing. I don’t know if I can breathe. I don’t want to figure this out. I want to be a baby and I want dad to come with me and hail a taxi for me and get me settled and tuck me in to bed and read me a bedtime story. Too bad dad would not agree to that this time. I finally get myself together and get on the plane and start considering what I might do with these three extra hours of free time I have gained in a deserted airport. Maybe I’ll write a blog.

I land at my first destination, turn my phone off airplane mode and here comes another text message. Flight delayed another hour. Fantastic. I get in to the airport, grab a chai tea latte as the Starbucks closes and find a place to start writing my blog. Another surprise. No free wifi at this airport. American’s worst nightmare, right? Well at this point, I’m all cried out. I get reports that our airplane was hit by a bird in Boston, which has caused a delay. A bird. A BIRD. I start to laugh. This is real life.

There’s a song that I have loved from the moment I first heard it. It’s called “You Make Me Brave” by Amanda Cook (Bethel Worship). If you have not heard the song, listen to it now. Seriously. It's part of the blog.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

<You are listening… you are listening…>

I love that song because it speaks directly to my heart. I am a person who operates in a certain amount of fear. I am a people pleaser and I am always afraid of offending, hurting, annoying, etc. I am afraid of starting things and of what will happen when they end. Silly things make me extremely nervous like lifting a stack of glass dinner plates or walking up to the counter at Noodles and Company and asking for a to-go box.

The bridge in the song goes, “You make me brave, you make me brave, you call me out beyond the shore into the waves.”

I spent a couple hours in lake Michigan this last week with my older sister chasing the waves and jumping into the rolling water as it broke on the shore. It was so fun; I could have spent plenty more hours doing just that. We were only knee deep in water the whole time.

I love the ocean. I’ve only been about three times in my whole life, but there is something about it that captivates me. There is also something about it that absolutely terrifies me. I will gladly stay knee deep in the water and jump right in to shore waves. And I’ll have plenty of fun doing it. I have never been out in the real waves of the ocean, and I’m not sure I intend to do so any time soon.

Why won’t I swim out into the deep swelling waves of the ocean? Because I know with absolute certainty that I WILL DROWN. I don’t think anyone will dispute me on that. That is why people wear life jackets. But even with a life jacket, I’m still in the middle of the ocean with waves crashing over me and the life jacket is just barely keeping my head above water.

Life is scary. It terrifies me. Thinking more than a week ahead of time scares me. I would GLADLY stay on the shore. Or even just splashing my feet around in the water. Going wave jumping in knee deep water is about as far as my “adventurous” self wants to go. I live my life on the shore. I have no idea what the ocean is like because I have never been out there, but it’s scary so I’ll just stay right here, thanks. This song tells me I am doing something wrong. God is calling me beyond the shore? Is he crazy?

Why on earth would God call me out “into the waves” to my certain death? I know I will drown, God knows I will drown, so what is this deal about Him calling me to drown?

Life is not the beach. Life is not a towel in the sand, sunglasses, a lounge chair or splashing your feet around in the knee-deep water. If it is, something’s wrong. Life is an ocean. Sometimes it is calm, sometimes it is raging with waves. Sometimes we stand on the shore and watch in fear as our life goes on in front of us, but we are too afraid to live it.

Now, I believe that God does not intend to let us drown, but he is by no means a life jacket.

My mind immediately goes to two stories in the Bible. The first can be found in Matthew 7. The disciples find themselves in the middle of the sea. And out of nowhere comes a huge storm to ruin their plans. I can only imagine the fear as the waves rush over the boat threatening to capsize them. I bet they had wished they had not left the shore. In a last resort, they run to Jesus. He simply gets up and basically says, “You seriously thought I would bring you out here and leave you to die?” and commands the waves to retreat. With a simple phrase from Jesus, the storm is finished. Jesus did more than just give them a quick pep-talk to keep their chins up in the midst of the grave danger they faced, he showed that he has complete control over our impossibilities and our fear. The things that mean certain death to us can be completely turned around with one word from the mouth of Jesus.

The other story I think of, and maybe the more meaningful of the two in this instance, can be found in Matthew 14. We find some of the disciples in the middle of the sea. Jesus had told them to go before him. It’s dark, they are far from shore, the wind and the waves are becoming restless. I can tell you, my fear meter would be through the roof. I’m sure by this time they were exhausted, terrified, and maybe a bit delusional. All of a sudden, Jesus appears, walking on the water. I’m sure the disciples are thinking they are imagining things. But Peter, in a moment of complete insanity or complete clarity (depending on how you see it), Peter asks Jesus to invite him to jump out of the boat, into the waves and to walk on the water. Is he NUTS? But Peter jumps out of the boat and walks with Jesus. ON THE WATER. Just another moment where Jesus shows that with him, raging waves are irrelevant. Fear is not necessary, because when we call on Jesus, we will not drown.

The wind may be howling and the waves may be crashing, but it doesn’t matter because Peter is walking with Jesus. If I’m honest, I want to stand on the shore a lot of times. I don’t want to face the waves. But life with Jesus is an invitation, maybe even a command, to go into the deep deep waters with no fear. Jesus is not a life jacket because he wants to call us out of the water. He invites us to walk on the water with him. He invites us, in the midst of the waves and the wind, to keep our eyes fixed on him and to have the peace of knowing that Jesus will deal with the waves, we just have to keep our eyes fixed on him and WALK.

Now, after Peter got out of the boat, he walked with Jesus--on top of the water. But then, Peter realized what he was doing, he looked around to the wind and the waves. He looked back to his fear instead of looking to Jesus. That was when he began to sink. Now, at that moment, Jesus could have decided that Peter just didn't trust him enough and let him sink and swim back to the boat on his own. But that isn't what He did. Jesus reaches back into the water, and pulls Peter up--out of his fear, out of his circumstances--to walk with Him again.

God is not our life jacket. But he will also does not intend for us to drown. There was a moment there when Jesus had to act as Peter's life jacket and keep his head above the crashing waves. But that was a temporary fix to draw Peter back to Himself. God wants us on the water, not in the water.

On the airplane I got a good hour and a half of reading time. I don’t read very often and when I do, I usually don’t even finish the book. My brain moves too fast for books (or I like to think that's the problem). For some reason this book has completely captivated my attention. The book is called “Your Own Jesus” and it was authored by the lead singer in Casting Crowns. I’m sure one of the reasons this book has captivated my attention is because it is speaking truth and calm into my busy and stress. As I was reading I was reminded of my day and convicted that for most of this summer, I have been turning to Jesus when I feel like I might drown, hoping he’ll be my life jacket. And he has been. But even with a life jacket on, the waves can still crash over you. This summer has been hard for so many reasons, but I think one of the biggest reasons is because my head is only barely above water. But God wants more for me than that. I have been letting the waves toss me instead of letting Jesus pull me out of the water to walk with Him. Today, I let the waves toss me. Tonight, I have my eyes on Jesus.

It is 12:07am and my plane is still not here. I’m tired, I’ve had a long day, I am facing a new year and new waves. But for the first time in weeks, I am not filled with fear. I see Jesus walking toward me on the water, and trust me, I’m about to reach up and let him pull me out. I’m ready to walk, Jesus.

Just think, this morning I was sitting on my floor just wanting time to stop for a couple of hours so I could have some time to process everything that seems to be pulling me forward so quickly. I just needed some time to get my head around it all. And in the midst of the stress of delayed flights and the frustration of an American with no wifi, God granted my need for time to "stand still" so He put my in an airport chair late at night so there was no restaurants or people to call to take up my time, there was no wifi to capture my attention. I was sitting alone at an empty airport gate with a blank Word document staring at me. And to think, the God of the universe allowed a small bird to hit a plane on its way to Boston just so I would have a couple hours to realize that I need to reach up for His hand and let him pull me out of the water and into the life He has for me.

Jesus does not intend for us to drown. But God wants more for you than the shore. Don’t stand by in fear watching your life happen. But what may be more, don’t use Jesus only as a life jacket to keep your head above water. Walk with Him and find out that he has something else in mind. God is not a life jacket. Walking on the water does not come without human fear creeping in sometimes, even Peter doubted. But keeping your eyes fixed on Jesus, you have an invitation to defy your situation, defy your fear, and defy the waves and follow a God that wants so much more for you than simply keeping your head above the waves.